On Becoming a One Woman Man

In the sermon last week I referenced a list of questions from Pastor Thabiti Anyabwile (pastor of FBC Grand Cayman Islands), that will help us evaluate the degree to which we are being transformed into a “one woman man” as outlined in Titus 1:6.   I said that I would list those on the blog, so here they are.

Ladies, remember, you can substitute the word “woman” for “man here (not for the purposes of determining whether or not you should serve as an elder – we covered that last week), but for the purpose of evaluating yourself…are you a “one man kind of woman”?

Here’s Thabiti’s questions, as listed on his blog (Pure Church):

Questions and Observations for Single Men

1. What are the man’s habits regarding dating and fellowship with Christian women? A man given to serial dating may be undiscerning and careless with the hearts of Christian sisters. If he is “playful” in matters of the heart, he may need discipleship in this area and will not be an appropriate example to the flock. Does he treat sisters in the faith “with absolute purity” (1 Tim. 5:2). Is that evident in the single man’s social conduct with other women?

2. What are a man’s entertainment choices? Does he view sexually explicit material or pornography? If he is embattled with this issue, it’s best not to make such a man an elder. He will be responsible for being an example, teaching younger men to be self-controlled (Titus 2:6), and a life of sexual impurity is incongruent with the office.

3. Related to the above, how does the man battle lust? Does he gouge out his eye and cut off his hands (Matt. 5:27-30)? The warfare against sexual immorality must be waged at the level of desire. Men in the eldership should fight their sins like Christians, which means they must radically deny opportunity for the flesh, the world, and the devil to excite lusts leading to sin. And they must cultivate a deeper desire for Christ and the things of Christ. A single man who maintains camouflage in this area, or who flirts with or coddles his lust, is a danger to himself and others. An elder must accept and desire accountability in this area.

Of course, these are questions that apply to married men as well. But with a single man, determining if he is a “one woman man” requires thinking about the trajectory of his affections rather than examining his marital behavior. Do his behaviors “tend toward” purity or do they suggest immaturities to be avoided?

Questions and Observations for Married Men

1. Does the man evidence fidelity to his wife? Is he faithful emotionally and physically? A potential elder should be asked directly if he is in or has had an adulterous relationship with another woman, if he has broken the marital covenant. And if not the physical act, has he become emotionally involved with someone in a way that disqualifies him from the office? It would be wise to have this conversation with his wife as well. She may provide insight into the husband’s attitude and behavior that may be blind spots for him. And it’s wise to know whether the wife supports her husband as qualified for eldership. It’s better to know these things previous to making a man an elder. The position and requirements of eldership will only add stress to any fractures that may already be present.

2. Does he organize his interactions with female coworkers and ladies in the church in a way that provides full accountability and transparency? For example, is he careful to avoid potentially compromising and tempting situations with women (traveling or meeting alone, etc.)? Elders who work in co-ed environments ought to be the kind of men that are trusted by female co-workers–not because they’ve proven themselves good counselors in intimate matters but because they’ve appropriately avoided such intimate encounters altogether and established safe distance from temptation.

3. Is the potential elder faithful in making his home marriage centered? By God’s design, at the center of the family is sthe marriage of one man and one woman (Gen. 2:24). Men and women leave and cleave from their parents and become one flesh. Being a one-woman man means, in part, maintaining a family atmosphere that disallows other people or things (children and work, for example) from displacing the marriage as the center of the family. This is part of what it means to have a well-ordered home. A potential elder prizes his wife even above the other precious people in the home and in earthly relationships directs his affections to that one woman first and foremost.


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One thought on “On Becoming a One Woman Man

  1. Read interview this week of Mary Kassian, author of new book “Girls Gone Wise”. This is just for ladies to evaluate what sort of hedges we have up or need to construct to keep our heart pure. Kind of goes along with your teaching from Titus. I need to have personal rules (hedges or boundaries) to minimize exposure to unwanted risks that could lead me to sin or cause another to stumble. So, being wise, seeking to honor God, and lessening the opportunity for sin. She talks mainly about sexual purity. She has a worksheet in the book with some good starting places, but stresses that these are very personally determined-not an across the board list for every woman. The worksheet can be printed for free on line. Some was pretty convicting.

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